day_of_design

look in the mirror

Fri, 26 Jan 2007 01:21:26 GMT

I've made a list of people and things that make me happy, really happy.
I only want to do what is on this list for quite some time. No more negative people. No more people who fill my head with doubt or make me feel badly about myself because I am not doing exactly as they think I should.
I am not going to waste my time spending it with people who treat me like shit, who make me wonder what I am worth, etc.
I am not going to participate in activities I don't enjoy.
I am not going to confide in people who betray my trust and stab me in the back.
I am not going to waste my time on people who act like they're my friend but then turn around and treat me like shit.
Fuck you and your pretentious ass. You think you're so fucking great. Truth is you're a loser. You can't do anything but quit. So you can go fuck yourself.
I am sick of you.
Hope you and he work out. I am happy to know where I stand with you, always. And as far as his friend goes, you can have him too. Fuck all of you.

its hard but I can do it

Tue, 28 Nov 2006 03:38:20 GMT

I can do it. It's hard for me, but I can do it. It's hard to trust someone who says one thing and does another. It's hard to believe in anything they say. But I can do it. I've been there before. I've done that. I've thought one thing and then done another. Hell, I still do that. You think to yourself that something sucked or rather the consequence sucked, so you say you're not going to do that again, but low and behold, you go and do it again and again and again. Funny how that happens. And does this make you a hypocrite? Yes and No. The fact that we are human and have free will makes it that much easier to change our minds as often as we change our underwear (more often really).
So, it's hard, but I can do it. I will do it.

longing for tranquility

Mon, 13 Nov 2006 23:19:02 GMT

so this morning I didn't go to school. I should have, but I didn't. I didn't get that good of sleep last night due to the fact that I had one too many beers and that resulted in too much sugar in my system.
I'll have to write more later. I am off to make spaghetti with Taylor. I need to do some hoemwork when I get home.
I'll sum it up by saying I haven't had anxiety like this since I took well butrin 3 weeks ago. I want to sleep and never wake up.
I keep thinking of all the shitty things going wrong...
I need to pull out of this.

people really do scare me

Thu, 09 Nov 2006 04:57:23 GMT

Tell me if you think this is psycho, when people create alias myspace accounts in order to spy on people they know. Is that wierd or what? I think so.

cold days= staying in

Sun, 05 Nov 2006 00:35:17 GMT

This morning I woke up to the rain. It was coming down hard.
"I hate the rain", Taylor said as he opened his eyes.
"Don't ever move to Seattle then", I replied.

I love the rain. I hate driving in it, but I love it.
It makes everything seem so clean. It cleans the pollution from our skies, makes my grass happy, and it has a soothing sound as it lands on the roof of my house. Not to mention, it gives me an excuse to stay in all day.

I feel as though I should feel guilty for staying in all day. It's not like I haven't done anything, but I haven't even left the house. Not once!!
I have vacuumed, done all most of my homework (which I will finish tomorrow), ironed all my pants for the week, and I have done 3 loads of laundry. It hasn't been an unproductive day, just a day inside.

I want so badly to go out tonight. I want to have some fun. Not at a bar though, I am sick of bars. They stink like smoke, therefore I stink like smoke.

I guess I'd like to go to a nice restaurant with Taylor, have a few delicious drinks, a simple salad and maybe a dessert. I deserve a dessert.
I wouldn't mind going and playing some pool either, but just not with the normal people we chill with.
If it was up to me, my perfect night would be as follows:
Dinner @ Bohemian, followed by drinks @ Red Door or playing pool with my brother, and to finish up the night, cuddling on the couch watching Kiss Kiss Bang Bang and going to bed.

I just want to have a good fun night. I need a good fun night.

my brain won't shut up

Thu, 02 Nov 2006 20:55:18 GMT

I wonder what he said to her to make her think she was something special. She was a time filler, and that's about it. The second we decided to be something that was a done deal, and it could have been before that, but I wouldn't know. It's not really any of business but curiosity does kill the cat.
I am not a doormat. I am not a time filler.
I know it may sound like I am some beaten down woman who believes anything she is told, but I consider myself hopeful.

So, I have decided not to be friendly with this girl at school anymore. At first I felt sorry for her, but the more I've got to know her, the more I realize that she self-inflicts her misery (like most of us do), but she does it for attention. She dumbs herself down so others feel sorry for her, and I have NO respect for that.
Since I have met her all she does is whine about her asshole boyfriend. When we study, he calls her 5-10 times in a 3 hr period. It's ridiculous. I just want to say, hey, if you want to go and hang out with him I can do my homework alone.
AHHHH!
and the constant guilt trips. I can't take it.
The one ups, constantly copying others and interrupting what they have to say. Just rude.

Yesterday I finally ate at around 2. I tried to eat a delicious salad my Mom had made. It had grit in it, all over!! It was horrible. So I had to have a roll. No butter. It was better than nothing.
Last night Taylor and I shared a dinner, like we normally do. One serving size fills us both up and it's way cheaper than buying for two.

I tried on a pair of his pants the other day. He wears women's jeans, size 4p. They fit!! I was so excited. I want to be a size 3, but I can't tell anyone else that.
Lindsay says I look gaunt-like when I am too skinny (110lbs), but I think I look good. I have a very nice bust line, no matter how much I weigh, so I don't think I can ever look too skinny.
Joe (Taylor's friend) asked him if I have lost weight. Taylor said yeah, that I have. Joe thinks I look good now! (like I care. I guess a compliment is a compliment)
Brian asked me if I have become bulimic. NO! Anorexic, but not even that really.
Truth is, I just don't like to eat anymore. It's a chore. It's a pain in my ass. It's expensive.
Anways, point is, I have lost a lot of weight in the last month and everyone has noticed.
My Dad is concerned. My Mom teases me, but in a fun way. My sister told me to stop it now! and Bug has told me to Stop It now too.
I will do what I want. It's my body.

old habits are hard to break

Wed, 01 Nov 2006 03:56:09 GMT

The last 2 Halloweens I have spent sitting alone at home. Last year it was because my bf and I broke up a month prior. I was still 'getting over it' and had no desire at all to go out and have a 'good time'. This year it is because my current bf decided to get drunk too fast and be his typical asshole-self. Now this was a promise he made apparently to break.
Interesting how it went down though...
The night started off quite lovely.
A couple of beers at the Trolley with a basket of hot wings, followed by a great time at his house, but then all of a sudden the night went south.
First there was the mj talk. I don't like doing things like that, as he well knows. Then of course because I declined the mj there was threats of going skiing.
I swore he said that this wouldn't happen again.
I brought to his attention it hadn't even been 1 week, not one fucking week. His response, sure it has. It was a week last Tues. Oh god, I guess you were right... It was time for you to let me down and fuck me over.
I am such a fucking sucker.
And I should have known, after all this weekend you did take something from Chris and then Sat. you went skiing.
Lies, all lies. And here I am, alone, at home on Halloween night.
Story of my life. AS much as I don't want to be a doormat, it looks more and more each day as though I am.

Food is the only thing I can control. I don't talk about this much because I don't like to, but the truth is I have lost about 5-7 lbs in the last month of this shit. If I eat once a day, that's pretty good, twice a day is even better, but today, I will eat only once. A salad. It's better than nothing.
I am so sick to my stomach I don't even know what to think.
I feel so betrayed and let down.

One week... just one week.

back and fourth

Wed, 25 Oct 2006 01:51:14 GMT

I'd gone back and fourth about you and a decision has been made. It took me almost a month to get here, but there is no going back. I wasn't worth it to you, or maybe I was worth too much.
I just wish it could be how it was, but it'll never be that way again.
Too good of friends you said for you to make love to. So, you were just going to hold me here, torturing me for your own selfishness?
My heart. My mind. My well-being all sacrificed so that you could feel better about yourself.
What about me?
Did it ever cross your mind that you were hurting an innocent girl with a heart of gold?
I don't know what I am more upset about. The fact that you allowed me to believe we were still in love and you were here to commit and then decided half way through the week you'd changed your mind OR that you are just going to run back to that horror. Either way, it shouldn't matter.
Fact is, I did what is right for me.
Lindsay says in 2 weeks I will feel better. God, I hope she's right. I want to feel better.

realizing what I've realized before

Mon, 23 Oct 2006 21:35:16 GMT

As I laid in bed this morning contemplating whether or not I should sleep a half hour longer or just get up and get ready I realized something I've realized many times before, but this time it was different. I realized that my Dad is right. What seems like such a HUGE deal at the time really isn't that HUGE. It's only as big as you make it, and after the moment passes and the emotions aren't flying to high, it's not even as big as you've made it.
So, I want to remember this. I need to remember this so that next time something HUGE happeneds I can keep my mind in check. It's not that BIG of deal damn it. It's only as big as you make it, and well, you have to keep it all in perspective.
What is in your control? Yourself, your emotions, your reactions.
This time it's going to be different. Not for you. For me.
I can overcome this. I can either be my bestfriend or my worst enemy. I want to be my bestfriend.

waiting

Sun, 22 Oct 2006 16:01:12 GMT

so, I'm just waiting for the other night to come back on me. It's inevitable. Lindsay says that I don't need to worry about it, but I feel otherwise. I know I did nothing wrong, but if he thinks I did then that is all that will matter to him.
Why am I so willing to fight for this? After all, what is working in our favor. Not a whole lot of anything really, and that makes me sad. Is love really enough? I want it to be, but when you're up against drugs and alcohol, it seems like an unfair fight.
For me it isn't a competition at all. I know I shouldn't drink around him, and I don't want to. I can only drink around my girls, and that's ok by me. Alcohol doesn't really agree with me anyways. The side effects are not worth it, and the regret is not worth it either.
There is no comparison really. Jason and I are real friends, and furthermore, he has a new girlfriend. One of which he loves dearly and cares a lot about. Adiel on the other hand is a trouble maker and she is only here to make my life miserable because she thinks she wants you back. Maybe she does? I don't really know. I have tried to put that behind me, and I still am. It's not something you can easily forget. The second you and your boyfriend break up he goes running back to the ex girlfriend who he broke up with over a year ago. Strange. But I understand. It's like my Dad said, he needed someone to make him feel better, make him feel wanted. She did that for him that night.
And so I flipped out when I was drunk. And I mean FLIPPED out. It was not pretty. It was scary. I am still So embarrassed. Why can't I feel more like Lindsay? Why can't I say to myself it's not that big of a deal. It's not like something like that has ever happened sober. and it won't happen again.
I know, I know, but it still happened and it's hard not to worry about it.
He is not perfect. I am not perfect.
He lives in a house full of drugs and alcohol. All his roommates are losers. They all feed him full of lies and they are bound and determined to make him into one of them. Lifeless, soulless, miserable.
Last Monday, 10/16, when we decided to get back together he told me he wanted to get out of that house. He told me that he never gets to sleep and he's drinking all the time.
He told me that he loved me and that he knows it's not going away. That he can commit.
~hold true to that word. please~
I will not promise this out loud to you for it always seems to come back on me somehow, but I will not drink around you again. 1-2 beers max, but that is it. I will not be intoxicated around you ever again.
It's not necessary and it's not right.
I can make sacrifices, can you?

it's done

Sun, 08 Oct 2006 16:23:52 GMT

Its officially over. We are done. No more efforts are being made from either of us. To say I am not sad would be a lie, but to say I am relieved is the truth.
It was never going to last, and I knew you (you knew it)
I am not angery. I am not going to be hurt anymore.
Life goes on with or without you and I want to be there every step of the way.
I am not going to be left behind.

lesser of 2 evils

Tue, 03 Oct 2006 02:37:58 GMT

What is worse, not telling someone something they don't need to know because it is a non issue? or someone snooping on your computer to see if you've been doing it, hoping to catch you? Not porn!
I had made a promise to my bf that I wouldn't go to his ex gf's page anymore. I hadn't for quite sometime. Well, last week I did. Who cares? I didn't make it an issue. I didn't say anything to him, but I knew it'd come back to bite me in the ass. And it did.
HE SNOOPED on my computer, through my history to find out that I had.
So, I ask you, which is the lesser of the two evils if there is one?
What I did was wrong, yes. But, I didn't make it an issue. If I want to go there and hurt myself, that's my problem. But for him to go through my things hoping to 'bust' me, that is just as bad.
I would NEVER snoop through anyones things EVER!
If you don't trust the person you are with, then you shouldn't be with them.
At this point, it hardly even matters.
His roommate has him wrapped around his finger. You'd think he was the one with the pussy (excuse my language). His friend goats him to fight with him any opportunity he gets because he is a jealous miserable asshole. And it's like the saying goes, misery likes company.
He's 5 years younger than me, and although he is mature in many ways, let's just say, he hasn't really lived the same life I have.
He lives at a bachelor pad surrounded by losers who drink and do drugs.
And now, well, he does not even seem like the same person. It's just so sad to think that just last Wed. we were happy. We were in love, and now, well....... it's all over.

Fears

Thu, 28 Sep 2006 03:25:23 GMT

Sometimes I worry that I am becoming more like my parents each day. They are control freaks. Both of them try to control people with guilt, and as much as I try not to do this, I find that sometimes I do.
Being aware of the problem is as important stop to overcome it, but it's not always that easy. Honestly, I don't even notice I've done it until it's too late. You can't change the past, so you have to pay close attention to the future. Right?
It's just that people disappoint me so much. People tell you they're there for you, and they're not. They say they'll call, and don't. They say they're your friends, but they aren't. Why? People are selfish. I am selfish.
When someone tells me they are going to do something, and then they don't, it's hard for me to believe they will follow through again.
I hate waiting for someone to make up their mind if something is going to happen. Either it will or it won't, so why must I sit and wait. Anticipation is a feeling I hate!! So, you wait and wait, and finally you get the call, and it's only news to disappoint you.
I can't help but feel like the decision was made hours ago, the only thing holding you back was the fear I'd be disappointed. Well, I might have been, but it makes it even worse after waiting for hours to find out I was right to begin with. -you weren't-
So, what do I do? I try to trust that I will be proved wrong, but unfortunately I am right 95% of the time. Call it psychic. I call it common sense. I can't say anything that insinuates I am lacking that trust, but I do! and then it bites me in the ass.
I give up for now.